of reasons and rainbows

10.14.2005

| the day with a bag of mr chips from eggpie |

what the heck am i doing?

i'm always depressed the day after every payday. this never fails. suddenly, i'm longing for the time in the distant pass when my allowance came from my mom and my scholarship. and most of the time, i find myself recounting the things that i planned to have or to buy or to get (by the time i have a job) and now, officially, failed to do so. then, this is also the time, when i will tell myself that in reality things were not that easy. if only i knew. i wouldnt have planned, that way it would be less painful to realize the failure.

i look painfully at my payslip, knowing that a big chunk of what i earned will go straight to bills, payables and a number of responsibilities i wont bore you with. what
would be left would sustain my allowance for the remaining days until the next pay comes. Usually, i end up with nothing but more stuff to pay for the next month's salary. pathetic right? and all along i thought that having a nice paying job doing something i like in a nice office environment in one of ayala's most prominent high rise would suffice my needs. dream on.

having a very limited resource taught me a lot of things. mind you, i think i grew up a lot during the two years that i had begun my career as a corporate slave.

i learned how valuable a stored value mrt card in your wallet is. aside from the obvious reason of saving you from the torment of the endless line in the ticket booth, it keeps you in tact for the harder battle ahead: getting into the train without being kicked, punched or wounded. it also ensures you of at least 8 mrt rides which theoretically reduce the sky-high fare you have to allot in your daily living allowance.

i became more observant. i began to notice small details in my daily routines which normally i would just ignore. i noticed the poor situation of our roads. i took pity on the traffic aid that endures all the perspiration and heat controlling the flow of the vehicles around him. i began to hate traffic having to suffer with it each and everyday. i blame the government for the shameful condition of street people lurking on the pedestrians. as the little prince said, "i began to think like a grown up."

i became a little too practical to the point of being frugal. i learned to be a selective buyer. i despise 7-11 for the gruesome prices they put on their goods. i learned to buy only the things that are totally necessary. i cringe of having to pay 150 bucks for a meal. i push myself to wake up early in the morning to prepare my lunch rather than going on the fast food chains everyday. i reserve my cravings for group lunch or once in a while hook ups with friends. i learned to appreciate walking from our office to ayala mrt station (less traffic, and its free). i learned how to control the urge of buying books or dvds. i could enumerate more but i guess you got the idea.

i learned that sometimes, you need to leave everything up to chance. in a corporate environment, like everywhere else for that matter, it is impossible to please everybody. the people you would meet would be different from you or anyone else you know. you need to be prepared on how to interact and deal with them. most of the times, everything just fall out of your control.

in the end, only true friends and your family will be around. there is no guarantee whatsoever if you could keep the people you meet as friends. Most of the times, they just fade into the background as time passes by. as you go around changing jobs, leaving the country, or starting your own family, you have to accept the fact that only a few friends will remain through time. cherish them.

i miss the time when i could sit in the sofa all day reading a novel and watching tv at the same time. it has proven to be an impossible task now. what little time i have on weekends, i spend with my yabsy or sleeping or plainly, doing nothing. i havent cracked a book for a long time now. my to-read-list is growing longer and longer each day. i tend to start some classics and forget about it after a few pages. haarhhh... that serious huh?

i have this urge to drink everything away. yep, i mean alchohol when i said drink. i dont know, but lately, i badly want to forget. forget about work, about money, about responsibilities, and other complexities of life. i just want to drop dead with nothing on my head and be satisfied with it. even for just an hour, i want to clear everything from my mind and dream on peacefully. oopppss, i sounded freaky. ü

so you see.... im desperate. i dont know what i want anymore. but then,after all the ramblings i just unfolded...i could say that my life is beautiful, complicated yet beautiful.

grays|*mumbles to herself* | 5:02 PM

About Me

0 bouncing feedback(s):