4.27.2006
| silence |

"no man is worth a woman's tears. the only one who is worth it is the one who knows he could, but never would, make her cry... "




grays|*mumbles to herself* | 8:03 AM | 3 comments


4.26.2006
| sleeping at work |

Im so sleepy today. im currently fighting the urge to simply bow my head on my desk and doze off. I think I need another cup of coffee. though i set a limit of one cup of coffee a day (para mabawasan ang pagiging nerbyosa), there were always instances when you have to bend the rule a little.

I'm a self confessed coffee addict. My day wont be complete if I wont be able to drink a cup. I actually feel weird if no caffein enters my body within 24 hours. And I'll eventually start longing for a hot cup. My ultimate weakness is a hot grande cafe late from starbucks or a boiling kettle of native batangas cofee that my lola perfectly brews each morning when im home. I could drink a drum of those and be happy and contented my whole life. That's how sick and addicted I am to beans.

My eyes are heavy and Im starting to give in to the tempatation... a short nap.I want to sleep. My room is calling me and I want to run home and jump into bed. I feel like dreaming. I feel like nothing is real. Ooooppps, you might get the wrong idea, hindi po ako nagddrugs. :P puyat lang talaga. I did not have a nice peaceful sleep (the usual) last night because I'm too worried.I keep on looking at my cellphone, fearing that there might be a message from anyone in the hospital. I couldn't help but cry when I saw my lola at the ICU. Her condition seems so terrible, her body is lifeless, and obviously, she's sufferring a lot. i hope she'd recover.She's a strong woman and a fighter. I really hope she'd be okay. Sorry if I keep on lamenting these emotions here. The last posts are all remorseful and I hate giving problems and negative aura to the people reading this blog, however, it helps me a lot. I write about how I feel especially when I'm worried.It's relaxing and it helps me cope up with things whenever I feel gloomy. I just have to let it all out.


We're planning to go to Puerto Galera this weekend. My mom said that I shouldn't go given the current family crisis. I insisted, saying that i need the rest and I wouldn't be able to do anything, anyway. But the decision still depends on how my lola's condition would be. I know Junjun would be greatly disappointed if this would be postponed too, but given the current circumstances, what am i to do? Still, Im trying to think positively. Everything would be okay. It should be.

I'm hearing lullabyes in my head. Owh... I really want to take a nap. just a short one. Gotta go get that coffee...

grays|*mumbles to herself* | 2:11 PM | 2 comments


4.25.2006
| recently part 2 |

medyo di pa ko inspired mag blog kaya wala pa kong masulat na matino. ano bang meron?

...nagbowling kami kahapon. at natalo ako. pero masaya. tawa kami ng tawa. yung isang bata kasi dyan, date ng date. hay naku talaga. wala na ha. putulin na lahat ng ugnayan. :D

...medyo lie low sa jewel dahil wala akong time manood pag uwi ko pagod na ko at natutulog na lang. pero may bago akong obsession ngayon. wonderful life, a comedy-romance korean novela which started to air last week. ang cute ni henry. parang mamang mama ang dating. astig.

...kung kelan naman na eexcite na ko and all saka pa nila sasabihin na ipopostpone daw ang sagada trip namin. hay, sana matuloy. if ever, ngayon pa lang ako mkakapunta sa rice terraces at ngayon pa lang din ako makakakita ng kweba. sana talaga matuloy.

...first quarter of the month at napansin ko lang na sunod sunod ang "storms" na nararanasan ng pamilya. una, ang lolo ko. inoperahan sya sa liver. then, this month lang, ang mama ko, inoperahan din, sa ovary naman. kaya sobra talaga akong nalungkot when i woke up this morning and found out that my lola is in the hospital. grabe talaga... nakakatako. matanda na ang lola ko, she is 73 years old. but despite the age, malakas pa sya at maliksi. walang nararamdaman na kahit ano sa katawan. kaya nagulat kami nung mag text si tita zeny kanina. nasa polymedic daw ang nanay. and the thing is, hindi sya magising. up to this moment, uncoscious pa rin sya. nakakatakot talaga. pero wala namang pwedeng gawin kundi magdasal. sabi nga ni mabel, God can. i hope na maging okay na ang condition nya. last update, nasa icu na daw sya. and hindi pa rin nagigising. haaay.

...meron pa rin kaming project ngayon. kaya masaya ako. di na ko tambay! yey. inuunti unti ko nga yung task eh. kasi baka pagnatapos to...back to zero. hay, sana naman hindi.

...maganda talaga ang jewel in the palace. ang brilliant ng konsepto. although most of the time naiisip ko na napaka imposible na ganun kagaling si jang-geum, ang lupit pa rin. narealize ko lang lately na natutuwa ako sa mga films/series na historical ang theme. kaya nga favorite ko ang pride and prejudice, dangerous beauty, little women at kung anu ano pa. naalala ko rin na there was one period during high school na ginusto kong maging teacher (ng history).

im feeling: worried
im listening to: nothing
im staring at: the lifeless monitor
im wearing: a while collared shirt and jeans
im eating: nothing
im thinking of: him




grays|*mumbles to herself* | 3:19 PM | 2 comments


4.18.2006
| recently... |

...nag download ako ng mozilla firefox. ang lupet, nakakaaliw tuloy ang browser ko ngayon.
...nahu-hook ako sa jewel in the palace. yeah, late na talaga nung simulan ko, pero gayunpaman, makikihabol ako sa nakararami. mahal ko na rin si kapitan.
...ang kulit kulit ni kulit. hehehe. kaya mahal na mahal ko yan eh.
...araw araw akong nag oovertime. pwera biro. at naaadik na naman ako sa stress, kape at puyat.

(yun muna, bukas ko na to itutuloy. wala akong maisip eh.)

grays|*mumbles to herself* | 7:46 PM | 1 comments


4.06.2006
| nightshift |

I arrived at the office at exactly 6:41am today. I was the first person inside and every light on our wing are still switched off and even the damn airconditioner was still asleep when I entered. I usually come early, a habbit I acquired when I started working with perf team. As always, I started my day by getting a hot cup of coffee from the pantry and then proceeded by reading my mails. It was, in every aspect, an ordinary day. Except that it is absolutely not.

When I arrived at the hospital last night, my mom was alone again. She informed me that she sent my brother, whom I asked to stay until I arrive, home. Her visitors for the day had all gone home as well and she was left talking with the moaning patient's company(refer to previous post). I brought dinner for two with me. One for me and the other was supposedly for my brother. I checked with my mom earlier and she informed me that she already had her dinner. After hurriedly eating (believe me, the sick feeling inside the hospital ward and the smell of medicine made me loose my appetite no matter how hungry I am), I washed up a bit, changed my clothes and prepared for bed. Unfortunately, I had a splitting headache which made me awake for hours after laying on my mom's side. So we talked. We talked about what happened that day. About how my father screwed up again by being on the hospital way later than he promised. She said she's used to him not being true to his words. I explained why I arrived late, I was informed that I needed to finish some task an hour before I was set to leave. We talked about our relatives and gossiped about the whatabouts of some. I showed her some photos on my phone, describing the place where I worked and the people I worked with. We talked for 3hours about nothing in particular just bits and pieces of whatever came from our minds. This is the closest that I have been to my mother for the longest time that I could remember.

Our family is a unique one. Let me describe unique geographically. I live in Pasig, with my bestfriend from college Abby and her lola. My younger sister, Shiela, used to live with us but she got a new job and got assigned in Tarlac, Tarlac. So she lives there now. My mom and my dad live with my father's mother in Taytay, Rizal. My younger brother, Allan, lives in a dorm in UPLB where he is taking up Industrial Engineering. My youngest brother, Owie, meanwhile lives with my mother's parents in Batangas. He would be moving to a dorm in UP Diliman this coming school year.

Given this setup it is very difficult for us to manage and have some quality family time. Times when we are all together under the same roof are rare. They usually happen during Christmas, New Year's Eve and our barrio fiesta. And that's about it. But we get by. Our family may seem rather different than the usual but we stick with each other for as long as I can remember.

We are currently experiencing something unexpected and out of control. What breaks my heart is that as much as i avoid it, I keep thinking how unfair life is. And how cruel the world could get. I have a strong faith,yes. I believe that God in His own powerful way would lead us out through this mess. He always does. But why... why do this thing have to happen in the first place? We are perfectly satisfied with the little blessings we have, we may have financial problems every now and then...but do we really have to endure the pain of realizing how poor and helpless we are? And why does it have to be my mom? Why not me, instead? At least that way, I could rest assure that my family is all well and safe. I feel awful, and right now, I could do nothing about it. Well, nothing but pray. I pray for my mom's operation and recovery. And I pray for my family's strength.

(By the way, her operation would be tomorrow. Please pray with me and my family for her operation to be successful. It would be much help for us...)

grays|*mumbles to herself* | 12:06 PM | 4 comments


4.05.2006
| toxic |

Yesterday, my mom was admitted at the VR Potenciano Medical Center. She needs to undergo an operation called tahbso which is short for Total Abdominal Hysterectomy, Bilateral Salpingo-Oophorectomy. In layman's term, her uterus needs to be removed. She is suffering from profuse bleeding for almost a year now and the operation is the doctor's final diagnosis.

The last time I was inside a hospital was like 5 years ago. The staffs at the polymedic were surprisingly friendly and the admission itself went on smoothly. Being the eldest in our family, I took charge of taking care of my mom's medication. Since my mom is quite strong for a patient (she's not yet feeling anything beyond normal since the operation itself is still a few days away), we decided that she stay on a ward first.

The room is on the 5th floor. There are 6 hospital beds inside and only one is unoccupied. The first thing we noticed are the curtains. There are lots of curtains in the room which made it possible to seclude the area you're assigned to and have visitors stay during the night. There is a bathroom with shower inside that made it possible for me to come to work straight from the hospital. I guess this would be my routine in the coming days.

I slept on my mom's bed. yep... I occupied a part of her patient's space and slept beside her. For those of you who havent seen my mom yet, she is quite big. And she said she gained extra pounds these past few months trying to alter the effect of the blood lost in her body. It is surprising how we managed to squeeze each other's body to give room for the other. And it made me feel a bit awkward. You see my mom and I were never close. I practically grew up away from her and that mother-daughter bond that some people have is never there in our case. Last night, I realized how much I love her and how pathetically distant we grew apart from each other.

There is one thing that bothers me, though. The patient nearest my mom's bed. She is a 50 something woman, mentally retarded as we were informed by her companions and she moans all the time. And from the sounds that she make, it is clear that she is sufferring. I pity her and her condition. It made me understand that despite financial difficulties and problems, we are still blessed.

So how am I handling this situation? Im afraid. Afraid of what might happen. Frightened of how things could go wrong. I just hope that my mom gets well.

grays|*mumbles to herself* | 9:40 AM | 5 comments


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